Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Brittney and Anna - Can the Locusts Be Far Off?
Sometimes, on the rare occasion I will receive a request to blog. Sometimes I am given a topic and other times I'm just asked to throw musings against the wall because the sound "splat" will warm the cockles of even the most hardened heart.
This particular request suggested spouting off about the media's two most recent train wrecks Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith. "Rob, I could see Britney, but how on earth could you pick on Anna Nicole Smith, she's dead after all." And to that I say into my sleeve while averting my eyes sideways (cough) are you kidding me - hypocrite (cough).
Don' worry, you're not alone. All of America is bathing in this false remorse. After she passed away, blogs on CNN.com had comments that ranged from the remorseful to the downright suicidal.
Betty Smith from Nowhere Arkansas wrote, "We have lost our generation's Marilyn." Does anyone else remember Marilyn Monroe fucking a couch, because I missed that scene in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? But I do remember 25 minutes of heavy couch and pillow coitus being pivotal to the plot of the Anna Nicole Show (Later the couch extracted it's revenge by making Booby Trendy smell it's arm).
Peter Dumbfuck from Whogivesaratsass Wyoming wrote "Hollywood's star will shine slightly less on this day." Peter, uhh Peter come close please. We all enjoyed the Naked Gun and as much as we are hoping that the Naked gun 55 and 1/5 (hah those Naked Gun titles never get old) makes it to theaters before Leslie Nielson fossilizes or OJ decides to kill someone else, I don't know if ANS was the one that made those movies so successful. Or was it her stellar work on the Trim Spa commercials that you are lamenting for Pete. Because fear not Peter, the Olsen Twins are one more failed movie away from dropping out of the Skeletor look alike contest and making up for a decade of starvation at the nearest Sizzler. So in ten years we'll be hearing "Trim Spa baby" in talentless stereo.
Now you're all saying, "Rob, how do you know all of the stuff she did, if you don't like her?" I need to explain something to you. I have something called a penis and for some inexplicable reason that penis seems to like yellow hair and boobs. Most other people you talk to that have these strange appendages will concur, if not to your face, at least in the company of other individuals with the same appendage.
Moving on.
Brittney shaved her head, showed her vag and went to rehab. While I can't agree with her choice to go to rehab, let's just give her some space to build up her crazy energy to critical mass and watch her implode into a redneck black hole that only Schlitz, Marlboro Reds, and grits can escape.
Someone once said, I believe it was either Carl Sagan or Jodie Foster "Math is the true universal language." And I believe we can use math to get to the heart of both of these mysteries.
Brittny
Postpartum depression + the brain of a squirrel/Paris Hilton*crazy beaver shots=Shave your head and go fucking nuts
Anna
Postpartum depression + the brain of a retarded squirrel/Methadone*Losing your other child when the new one is being born= Assisted suicide
The net of this equation is that I think both of these ladies suffered from a very real mental disorder despite the rantings of scientology drone Tom Cruise. Seek professional help and don't turn to your lawyer or Paris Hilton for salvation.
This particular request suggested spouting off about the media's two most recent train wrecks Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith. "Rob, I could see Britney, but how on earth could you pick on Anna Nicole Smith, she's dead after all." And to that I say into my sleeve while averting my eyes sideways (cough) are you kidding me - hypocrite (cough).
Don' worry, you're not alone. All of America is bathing in this false remorse. After she passed away, blogs on CNN.com had comments that ranged from the remorseful to the downright suicidal.
Betty Smith from Nowhere Arkansas wrote, "We have lost our generation's Marilyn." Does anyone else remember Marilyn Monroe fucking a couch, because I missed that scene in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? But I do remember 25 minutes of heavy couch and pillow coitus being pivotal to the plot of the Anna Nicole Show (Later the couch extracted it's revenge by making Booby Trendy smell it's arm).
Peter Dumbfuck from Whogivesaratsass Wyoming wrote "Hollywood's star will shine slightly less on this day." Peter, uhh Peter come close please. We all enjoyed the Naked Gun and as much as we are hoping that the Naked gun 55 and 1/5 (hah those Naked Gun titles never get old) makes it to theaters before Leslie Nielson fossilizes or OJ decides to kill someone else, I don't know if ANS was the one that made those movies so successful. Or was it her stellar work on the Trim Spa commercials that you are lamenting for Pete. Because fear not Peter, the Olsen Twins are one more failed movie away from dropping out of the Skeletor look alike contest and making up for a decade of starvation at the nearest Sizzler. So in ten years we'll be hearing "Trim Spa baby" in talentless stereo.
Now you're all saying, "Rob, how do you know all of the stuff she did, if you don't like her?" I need to explain something to you. I have something called a penis and for some inexplicable reason that penis seems to like yellow hair and boobs. Most other people you talk to that have these strange appendages will concur, if not to your face, at least in the company of other individuals with the same appendage.
Moving on.
Brittney shaved her head, showed her vag and went to rehab. While I can't agree with her choice to go to rehab, let's just give her some space to build up her crazy energy to critical mass and watch her implode into a redneck black hole that only Schlitz, Marlboro Reds, and grits can escape.
Someone once said, I believe it was either Carl Sagan or Jodie Foster "Math is the true universal language." And I believe we can use math to get to the heart of both of these mysteries.
Brittny
Postpartum depression + the brain of a squirrel/Paris Hilton*crazy beaver shots=Shave your head and go fucking nuts
Anna
Postpartum depression + the brain of a retarded squirrel/Methadone*Losing your other child when the new one is being born= Assisted suicide
The net of this equation is that I think both of these ladies suffered from a very real mental disorder despite the rantings of scientology drone Tom Cruise. Seek professional help and don't turn to your lawyer or Paris Hilton for salvation.
Labels: Anna Nicole Smith, Brittney Spears, Postpartum depression
