Monday, August 08, 2005
Sheath That Read
I have a friend that has dabbled in comics for a few years and is getting to the point where she needs to start protecting them from harsh elements and small children.
The text below is an affront and insult to the regular readers of this Blog, and for that I am sorry. Please don’t try and bludgeon me with plastic lightsabres, they leave nasty welts.
You will need three separate items totaling about $20 from the comic shop. The Scotch Tape can be easily stolen from your employer. I know, I did it for four years ;-). After describing each item I will offer the proper language to use with the store clerk when you go to buy your items.
Meet your comic’s new skin. They come in counts of 100. These plastic slipcovers keep the book free of dust, pizza, beer, goat milk, anthrax (side note: I’ve decided to get Four Nerds on a terror watch list, but the catch is we must be subtle and creative. Foglematrix you can’t write terror over and over again) …you know the usual shit that flies through a house on a Saturday afternoon. Mylars come in several sizes. Size does matter when it comes to Mylar Bags.
Golden Age: The Magnums of comic bagging. You know how our grandparents used to bitch about not having anything. Well one thing they had to have was a fuck load of paper to be able to create these behemoth size books. They come 1567”x8990” and require a crane to turn the pages.
Silver Age: Here is where the baby boomers first exhibited their future fascination for the miniaturization of America. Silver Age comics are a far more manageable in size than their carpal tunnel inducing predecessors. Silver Age is a little large for modern books, but a little bit too big is what you want. Now Golden Age bags are way too big, the actually only have another few years before they turn into fossil fuel.
Modern Age: Why they make this size I still have no clue. They fit nothing. They will choke any comic book that sits on the shelves today. The comic store may think you a rube and tell you that you need this size. Why? Well they’ll say because you want the books to be as airtight as possible. If they say this look them dead in the eye and tell them these are comic books, not surgical equipment. The fit is too snug with these bags. It will put stress on the books spine and may even warp the book.
You Say: May I please have a bag of silver age comics bags. No, not modern age you mongoloid. I’m sorry you were so fucking stupid to buy bags that don’t fit anything, but that’s not my problem.
The Skeleton of your comic protection system keeps the books straight and stops warping and other nasty bending mishaps. These come in counts of 100 again and once again you want silver age.
You Say: I need a package of Silver Age backing Boards. Why would I want modern age? You just gave me Silver Age bags. Pull that shit again and I will slit your throat with Detective comics 820. I hate you. Silver Age fan boy. Chop! Chop!
Comic boxes are shaped to fit comics so they keep them standing straight and proud. They come in long box and short box sizes. Buy the long box. Short boxes really don’t hold anything.
You Say: May I please have a long box? No, not a short box. Did you ride the short bus to work today? Take your short box, and put your modern age bags and boards inside and shove them up your tiny urethra sideways. And fold that shit up. I don’t know origami.
(Note: Seriously have them fold the box and watch them. It’s slightly confusing the first time.)
Take the board. Put it in the bag and then put in the comic. Scotch tape (remember scotch tape hoard is between the two Davids) it shut all shut and place in long box. Your comic is now safe.
The text below is an affront and insult to the regular readers of this Blog, and for that I am sorry. Please don’t try and bludgeon me with plastic lightsabres, they leave nasty welts.
Overview
You will need three separate items totaling about $20 from the comic shop. The Scotch Tape can be easily stolen from your employer. I know, I did it for four years ;-). After describing each item I will offer the proper language to use with the store clerk when you go to buy your items.
Mylar Bags
Meet your comic’s new skin. They come in counts of 100. These plastic slipcovers keep the book free of dust, pizza, beer, goat milk, anthrax (side note: I’ve decided to get Four Nerds on a terror watch list, but the catch is we must be subtle and creative. Foglematrix you can’t write terror over and over again) …you know the usual shit that flies through a house on a Saturday afternoon. Mylars come in several sizes. Size does matter when it comes to Mylar Bags.
Golden Age: The Magnums of comic bagging. You know how our grandparents used to bitch about not having anything. Well one thing they had to have was a fuck load of paper to be able to create these behemoth size books. They come 1567”x8990” and require a crane to turn the pages.
Silver Age: Here is where the baby boomers first exhibited their future fascination for the miniaturization of America. Silver Age comics are a far more manageable in size than their carpal tunnel inducing predecessors. Silver Age is a little large for modern books, but a little bit too big is what you want. Now Golden Age bags are way too big, the actually only have another few years before they turn into fossil fuel.
Modern Age: Why they make this size I still have no clue. They fit nothing. They will choke any comic book that sits on the shelves today. The comic store may think you a rube and tell you that you need this size. Why? Well they’ll say because you want the books to be as airtight as possible. If they say this look them dead in the eye and tell them these are comic books, not surgical equipment. The fit is too snug with these bags. It will put stress on the books spine and may even warp the book.
You Say: May I please have a bag of silver age comics bags. No, not modern age you mongoloid. I’m sorry you were so fucking stupid to buy bags that don’t fit anything, but that’s not my problem.
Backing Boards
The Skeleton of your comic protection system keeps the books straight and stops warping and other nasty bending mishaps. These come in counts of 100 again and once again you want silver age.
You Say: I need a package of Silver Age backing Boards. Why would I want modern age? You just gave me Silver Age bags. Pull that shit again and I will slit your throat with Detective comics 820. I hate you. Silver Age fan boy. Chop! Chop!
Long Boxes
Comic boxes are shaped to fit comics so they keep them standing straight and proud. They come in long box and short box sizes. Buy the long box. Short boxes really don’t hold anything.
You Say: May I please have a long box? No, not a short box. Did you ride the short bus to work today? Take your short box, and put your modern age bags and boards inside and shove them up your tiny urethra sideways. And fold that shit up. I don’t know origami.
(Note: Seriously have them fold the box and watch them. It’s slightly confusing the first time.)
Take the board. Put it in the bag and then put in the comic. Scotch tape (remember scotch tape hoard is between the two Davids) it shut all shut and place in long box. Your comic is now safe.
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I used to do this with comics, but now I just don't care. I have a couple of long boxes in my parent's attic. As long as I can still read them in some form, then I don't care. That's why I buy a lot of trade paperbacks and stuff.
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