Friday, June 30, 2006
Bantha Poodoo?
You know, I've always been a great admirer of Star Wars fan films. There are thousands of them now, it seems. Armies of faithful fans armed with camcorders and Macintoshes have made their Jedi dreams come true. From the cheesiest home video to the ones that are damn near professional looking. The parodies, the comedies, and the serious endeavors. It amazes me the passion of the people who not only take the time, but the expense and hard work to make these films.
They're everywhere. You can find a few of them here.
That said, it's now time for me to tear them apart. I probably would never make a fan film, despite working for a video production firm and having access to all the fun toys. It's not something that I'm interested in doing. No, I prefer to sit on the sidelines and bitch and complain about things. It's my way.
All kidding aside, I would like to offer up a suggestion or two to those out there who are making these films.
1) Stop making references to places you heard someone mention in passing in one of the movies (or in a game, or a book, or whatever). Whenever you mention that bounty hunter you ran into on Ord Mantell or that time you were in a cantina in Mos Eisley, it sounds cheesy. A lot of the places the rebels went were jerkwater planets that no one's ever heard of. Dantooine is far too remote to be mentioned in your film. I can buy mentioning a place like Coruscant, but that's the capital of the galaxy. People have heard of it.
Instead, make up your own places. You have a whole galaxy out there to use. Why stick to the 10 or so planets mentioned in the movies? Case in point, when Phantom Menace came out, a lot of people hated the fact that they spent half the movie on Tatooine. We've been there in Star Wars and Jedi, why are we back? (Of course, now that we've seen all three prequels, it makes more sense.)
2) Like the places, stop mentioning people you heard about in the movies, unless your movie is specifically about that character. If you are a smuggler, don't make your character in the employ of Jabba the Hutt. Make up something new.
3) Stop using lines from the movies. You don't have to call people a "Nerf Herder," you don't have to refer to the rebels as "rebel scum." Stop referring to people as "Bantha Fodder." There are other phrases you can use.
I can accept using something that is in common usage, like "May the Force be with you" or "I feel a great disturbance in the Force." That makes sense to me. Heck, I'd even accept the occasional "I have a bad feeling about this."
4) Stop painting your Dark Jedi to look like Darth Maul. Again, come up with something new. Or, if you absolutely must have that Darth Maul character, then for Pete's sake, either shave his head or get a bald cap. He looks silly with that mullet.
6) Paintball gear is not a prop, unless your movie is about paintball. It's a good place to start, but for crying out loud, doctor it up so it doesn't look like a paintball mask.
Are we seeing a pattern here? You have an entire galaxy to explore. Hang on to the themes and ideals of Star Wars, but branch out. Invent something new, something we haven't seen. You guys have the passion and drive to make these films, to master the effects. Now, just take it one step further.
Some of these suggestions also apply to those who are involved in official expanded universe content. I just started playing "Knights of the Old Republic" again, and I swear, if one more person mentions "Bantha Poodoo," I'm gonna scream. (Outside of that, it's a great game.)
They're everywhere. You can find a few of them here.
That said, it's now time for me to tear them apart. I probably would never make a fan film, despite working for a video production firm and having access to all the fun toys. It's not something that I'm interested in doing. No, I prefer to sit on the sidelines and bitch and complain about things. It's my way.
All kidding aside, I would like to offer up a suggestion or two to those out there who are making these films.
1) Stop making references to places you heard someone mention in passing in one of the movies (or in a game, or a book, or whatever). Whenever you mention that bounty hunter you ran into on Ord Mantell or that time you were in a cantina in Mos Eisley, it sounds cheesy. A lot of the places the rebels went were jerkwater planets that no one's ever heard of. Dantooine is far too remote to be mentioned in your film. I can buy mentioning a place like Coruscant, but that's the capital of the galaxy. People have heard of it.
Instead, make up your own places. You have a whole galaxy out there to use. Why stick to the 10 or so planets mentioned in the movies? Case in point, when Phantom Menace came out, a lot of people hated the fact that they spent half the movie on Tatooine. We've been there in Star Wars and Jedi, why are we back? (Of course, now that we've seen all three prequels, it makes more sense.)
2) Like the places, stop mentioning people you heard about in the movies, unless your movie is specifically about that character. If you are a smuggler, don't make your character in the employ of Jabba the Hutt. Make up something new.
3) Stop using lines from the movies. You don't have to call people a "Nerf Herder," you don't have to refer to the rebels as "rebel scum." Stop referring to people as "Bantha Fodder." There are other phrases you can use.
I can accept using something that is in common usage, like "May the Force be with you" or "I feel a great disturbance in the Force." That makes sense to me. Heck, I'd even accept the occasional "I have a bad feeling about this."
4) Stop painting your Dark Jedi to look like Darth Maul. Again, come up with something new. Or, if you absolutely must have that Darth Maul character, then for Pete's sake, either shave his head or get a bald cap. He looks silly with that mullet.
6) Paintball gear is not a prop, unless your movie is about paintball. It's a good place to start, but for crying out loud, doctor it up so it doesn't look like a paintball mask.
Are we seeing a pattern here? You have an entire galaxy to explore. Hang on to the themes and ideals of Star Wars, but branch out. Invent something new, something we haven't seen. You guys have the passion and drive to make these films, to master the effects. Now, just take it one step further.
Some of these suggestions also apply to those who are involved in official expanded universe content. I just started playing "Knights of the Old Republic" again, and I swear, if one more person mentions "Bantha Poodoo," I'm gonna scream. (Outside of that, it's a great game.)
Thursday, June 29, 2006
STOP! Bullet Time!
I recently found out that they are doing a Max Payne movie. It doesn't surprise me, I always thought it would translate well into a film if you do it right. There's the usual questions about who will play Max and who's going to direct it, but what I would like to know is what the deal is with bullet time?
Bullet time was featured prominently in the games, as anyone who has played them knows. There was never an explanation for it, you just hit the button and the whole universe slowed down. It worked well for the game, but I remain skeptical about how it will be used in the movie, if it's used at all.
To me, bullet time has quickly become an effect that is, well, passé. I think the reason is that usually bullet time is a very cool effect with very little purpose to the story. As a result, draws attention to the fact it is a very cool effect. In other words, a good effect shouldn't draw attention to the fact that it's an effect. You accept it as an element of the story, like a space ship in Star Wars or a time-traveling DeLorean.
So, in most cases, bullet time is put in for show, simply because there's no reasonable explanation for it, other than it looks cool. I suppose that's why the only time you see it anymore is when someone is spoofing The Matrix.
For most of us, we first got a glimpse of bullet time in The Matrix. In that movie, the slowing of time and space was explained by the fact that the Matrix wasn't the real world and people like Neo and Morpheus could bend it to their will. It worked.
On the other hand, a film like Romeo Must Die used bullet time, and it never worked because it was just there for show. It was a stylistic choice, and made no sense in the context of the film.
So, my questions to you are these:
1) Do you think they will use bullet time in the flick?
2) Do you think they should use bullet time in it?
3) If so, do you think it needs some sort of explanation for why Max can slow down time?
4) If so, then what explanation would you consider to be acceptable? If not, why not?
That said, I thought that Timothy Olyphant would make a good Max.
Bullet time was featured prominently in the games, as anyone who has played them knows. There was never an explanation for it, you just hit the button and the whole universe slowed down. It worked well for the game, but I remain skeptical about how it will be used in the movie, if it's used at all.
To me, bullet time has quickly become an effect that is, well, passé. I think the reason is that usually bullet time is a very cool effect with very little purpose to the story. As a result, draws attention to the fact it is a very cool effect. In other words, a good effect shouldn't draw attention to the fact that it's an effect. You accept it as an element of the story, like a space ship in Star Wars or a time-traveling DeLorean.
So, in most cases, bullet time is put in for show, simply because there's no reasonable explanation for it, other than it looks cool. I suppose that's why the only time you see it anymore is when someone is spoofing The Matrix.
For most of us, we first got a glimpse of bullet time in The Matrix. In that movie, the slowing of time and space was explained by the fact that the Matrix wasn't the real world and people like Neo and Morpheus could bend it to their will. It worked.
On the other hand, a film like Romeo Must Die used bullet time, and it never worked because it was just there for show. It was a stylistic choice, and made no sense in the context of the film.
So, my questions to you are these:
1) Do you think they will use bullet time in the flick?
2) Do you think they should use bullet time in it?
3) If so, do you think it needs some sort of explanation for why Max can slow down time?
4) If so, then what explanation would you consider to be acceptable? If not, why not?
That said, I thought that Timothy Olyphant would make a good Max.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
This Message Will Be Leaked To The Press In Five Seconds...
Last Friday, the New York Times broke a story about a secret CIA program to monitor international financial transactions via the Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication (SWIFT).
Here in Philadelphia there is a...
Oh, man. I started writing what was to be a long rant about the Bush administration and the press and freedom and all of that, but damn it, I just don't have the strength nor the patience any more.
Here in Philadelphia there is a...
Oh, man. I started writing what was to be a long rant about the Bush administration and the press and freedom and all of that, but damn it, I just don't have the strength nor the patience any more.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Fogelmatrix, Fogelmarix! Wherefore art thou Fogelmatrix?!
Seriously dude. Stop being responsible and start wasting time.
Diversity Schmirsity
I recently attended a conference in DC and had the privelage of meeting Steve C. who authors the Corporate Hallucinations Blog. Steve (like myself) is tired of the rhetorical nonsense spewed forth by the communications grinder. His latest post is on the topic of diversity, read my response below:
"Diversity is like a potato."
This was the opening salvo for the clockwork orange style diversity indoctrination I received at my former employer.
Despite the fact we were hemorrhaging funds like a hemophiliac on Coumadin, we were all forced to sit through endless hours of this rhetoric.
I digress: Essentially the potato in Ireland serves as a metaphor for Corporate America. If the Irish had only studied genetic engineering before horticulture they would have had multiple types of potatoes. Now assuming in this Bizzaro universe of reverse agrarian culture evolution the Irish had in fact cultivated multiple types of potatoes, the potato famine never would have occurred.
Despite the fact we were still shitting in bed pans and some folks were still ascribing to the heliocentric model of the universe, apparently top minds were hard at work determining the silent potato killer and research did indicate it would only kill one type of potato. Think of it as the Tay Sachs of Spudom.
So like the Irish we can’t have one type of potato in corporate America because if we do the company will die of famine and all the employees will migrate to a new land and every March drink green beer and pick fights with Police horses.
Here’s my take on diversity. A lot of people want to compare it to affirmative action. This is total bullshit. Affirmative action judges you not the quality of your work, but rather the color of your skin. Diversity like affirmative action judges you not on the quality of your work, but unlike affirmative action it judges you on a 12 point scale of different physical and personality attributes of which race is only one line item.
"Diversity is like a potato."
This was the opening salvo for the clockwork orange style diversity indoctrination I received at my former employer.
Despite the fact we were hemorrhaging funds like a hemophiliac on Coumadin, we were all forced to sit through endless hours of this rhetoric.
I digress: Essentially the potato in Ireland serves as a metaphor for Corporate America. If the Irish had only studied genetic engineering before horticulture they would have had multiple types of potatoes. Now assuming in this Bizzaro universe of reverse agrarian culture evolution the Irish had in fact cultivated multiple types of potatoes, the potato famine never would have occurred.
Despite the fact we were still shitting in bed pans and some folks were still ascribing to the heliocentric model of the universe, apparently top minds were hard at work determining the silent potato killer and research did indicate it would only kill one type of potato. Think of it as the Tay Sachs of Spudom.
So like the Irish we can’t have one type of potato in corporate America because if we do the company will die of famine and all the employees will migrate to a new land and every March drink green beer and pick fights with Police horses.
Here’s my take on diversity. A lot of people want to compare it to affirmative action. This is total bullshit. Affirmative action judges you not the quality of your work, but rather the color of your skin. Diversity like affirmative action judges you not on the quality of your work, but unlike affirmative action it judges you on a 12 point scale of different physical and personality attributes of which race is only one line item.
The 2,200 Reasons To Walk
The other day, while on a road trip back from Boston, I was saddened to see a little yellow light start blinking on my dashboard. It wasn't the turn signal, or the hazards. It wasn't the low fuel indicator or the cruise control light. It a little yellow light in the shape of a gear with an exclamation point in the middle. It's the kind of light that makes grown men cry.
I drove my poor, ailing car home and rushed it to the "emergency room," the local trans shop. The initial inspection looked good. It looked as though I had nipped the problem in the bud. They said that it looked as though there was only minor damage, but they would have to pull the thing apart to be sure. I felt as though I had dodged a bullet.
Of course, I was being set up for a fall. I received a call this morning from the trans shop, and they said that not only did the parts of the transmission that wear out normally break, but so did the parts that usually never have to be replaced in the life of the car. It's going to run me about $2,200.00 to fix the damn thing. That’s roughly 30 percent of what I paid for the thing in the first place.
I bought this car about two years ago. This is my 4th car, and the first one built after I graduated from high school. This was the first time I had purchased a car from a dealer, and the first time I had gotten a car loan.
I bought it because my previous three cars were constant headaches; they had high mileages and always had something wrong with them. The first two were handed down from my parents, and the last one I was about 12 years old and I bought from a mechanic for less than 2 grand. I have learned something valuable from this experience. Never buy a car right after getting your prior vehicle inspected. You're buying out of anger, and it's just going to end in tears.
In my innocence I thought that buying a newer car with little mileage meant that it would be more reliable than the others. By paying more for a newer car, in the long run I would be saving money, because the upkeep would be less. How wrong I was. It just goes to show that no matter how old or experienced you become, you can always act like an idiot and convince yourself of anything.
There's a funny thing that happens when you spend a lot for a car, especially when you owe the bank for it. Suddenly, the second something goes wrong, you take it to the shop. The brakes are squeaking. I take it in. Routine maintenance is due, I take it in. The check engine light comes on, I take it in. You are invested in that machine, and you go to great pains to make sure it lasts the 3, 4 or 5 years you take paying the fucking thing off.
With a P.O.S. on the other hand, you don't give a shit. Sure, it'll cost you $500.00 every year to pass inspection, but you'll put a piece of duct tape over the check engine light so you won't have to look at it, rather than take it in. My first car had a coolant leak. Did I take it in to be fixed? Hell no. I simply stocked up on antifreeze and filled it before I left, and prayed I didn't get stuck in traffic.
The next car leaked brake fluid. Brake fluid! Did I have my brakes fixed? Fuck no. I stocked up on brake fluid and whenever the brakes started to feel soft, I'd pull over and top the fucker up. This was also the car whose steering wheel had to be at a 45-degree angle in order for the car to go straight. The only time you replace anything on a car like that is when the only way you can get the car to move is with a tow truck.
My current car isn't even that expensive. I bought it used for less than 10 grand. I can't imagine what would happen if I shelled out $50,000 for a BMW or some other ridiculous machine. The simple fact is this: If you put 100,000 miles on a car, something's going to break, and it's probably something expensive. It doesn't matter what kind of car it is or how much you paid for it. The only question is, do you give a shit whether or not it gets fixed.
I drove the brake fluid car to Los Angeles and back. I also drove it to Texas and back. I racked up roughly the same amount of miles on that SOB that Neil Armstrong logged on his trip to the moon. I had no qualms about breaking down, or what the resale value was. When it finally gave up and died, it had been driven into the ground. Now, I worry that by driving to Boston, I have put on too many miles. I'm sick of it. From now on, it's used pieces of crap for me. The rust around the tire wells and the duct tape holding the side view mirror on is a badge of honor.
I suppose the only alternative is to get a horse. I like that idea, because when it breaks down, at least I can take it out back and shoot it.
I drove my poor, ailing car home and rushed it to the "emergency room," the local trans shop. The initial inspection looked good. It looked as though I had nipped the problem in the bud. They said that it looked as though there was only minor damage, but they would have to pull the thing apart to be sure. I felt as though I had dodged a bullet.
Of course, I was being set up for a fall. I received a call this morning from the trans shop, and they said that not only did the parts of the transmission that wear out normally break, but so did the parts that usually never have to be replaced in the life of the car. It's going to run me about $2,200.00 to fix the damn thing. That’s roughly 30 percent of what I paid for the thing in the first place.
I bought this car about two years ago. This is my 4th car, and the first one built after I graduated from high school. This was the first time I had purchased a car from a dealer, and the first time I had gotten a car loan.
I bought it because my previous three cars were constant headaches; they had high mileages and always had something wrong with them. The first two were handed down from my parents, and the last one I was about 12 years old and I bought from a mechanic for less than 2 grand. I have learned something valuable from this experience. Never buy a car right after getting your prior vehicle inspected. You're buying out of anger, and it's just going to end in tears.
In my innocence I thought that buying a newer car with little mileage meant that it would be more reliable than the others. By paying more for a newer car, in the long run I would be saving money, because the upkeep would be less. How wrong I was. It just goes to show that no matter how old or experienced you become, you can always act like an idiot and convince yourself of anything.
There's a funny thing that happens when you spend a lot for a car, especially when you owe the bank for it. Suddenly, the second something goes wrong, you take it to the shop. The brakes are squeaking. I take it in. Routine maintenance is due, I take it in. The check engine light comes on, I take it in. You are invested in that machine, and you go to great pains to make sure it lasts the 3, 4 or 5 years you take paying the fucking thing off.
With a P.O.S. on the other hand, you don't give a shit. Sure, it'll cost you $500.00 every year to pass inspection, but you'll put a piece of duct tape over the check engine light so you won't have to look at it, rather than take it in. My first car had a coolant leak. Did I take it in to be fixed? Hell no. I simply stocked up on antifreeze and filled it before I left, and prayed I didn't get stuck in traffic.
The next car leaked brake fluid. Brake fluid! Did I have my brakes fixed? Fuck no. I stocked up on brake fluid and whenever the brakes started to feel soft, I'd pull over and top the fucker up. This was also the car whose steering wheel had to be at a 45-degree angle in order for the car to go straight. The only time you replace anything on a car like that is when the only way you can get the car to move is with a tow truck.
My current car isn't even that expensive. I bought it used for less than 10 grand. I can't imagine what would happen if I shelled out $50,000 for a BMW or some other ridiculous machine. The simple fact is this: If you put 100,000 miles on a car, something's going to break, and it's probably something expensive. It doesn't matter what kind of car it is or how much you paid for it. The only question is, do you give a shit whether or not it gets fixed.
I drove the brake fluid car to Los Angeles and back. I also drove it to Texas and back. I racked up roughly the same amount of miles on that SOB that Neil Armstrong logged on his trip to the moon. I had no qualms about breaking down, or what the resale value was. When it finally gave up and died, it had been driven into the ground. Now, I worry that by driving to Boston, I have put on too many miles. I'm sick of it. From now on, it's used pieces of crap for me. The rust around the tire wells and the duct tape holding the side view mirror on is a badge of honor.
I suppose the only alternative is to get a horse. I like that idea, because when it breaks down, at least I can take it out back and shoot it.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Business Communications Suck
Like most only children, I am amazingly self-centered. The world did not exist before I was born and it will perish in a fiery blaze the day I take my last breath.
Since I live in this delusional vacuum of solitude, I had always assumed the problems with corporate communications only started when I began cutting, pasting and repurposing the 14 famous buzzwords of IT marketing as a career.
You know the words I'm talking about; reliable, scalable, robust, flexible, integrated, ROI, Return on Investment, infrastructure, outsourcing, off-shoring, efficiency, profitability, challenges and wait for it…Thought Leadership!
Well, slap my mouth, call me Sally and make me pay for my own dinner, because I have recently discovered that corporate America has been bullshitting us for the better part of a half century.
Take a second to peruse this IBM Ad fron back in the 1950’s.
This ad states, “Electron Tubes – Fast, Versatile, Accurate”. It’s a fucking tube. The only way it is fast is if you hurl it at someone (preferably the writer of this horrid copy). Versatile - not unless this tube can facilitate computations while making me a ham sandwich or giving me a blow job. Accurate – hopefully the computation it helps move along the “Information Horse and Buggy Path” is accurate, but as for the tube it self being accurate I have to disagree. I heard this particular tube give a speech in 1954 and its prediction that we would be sharing information via telepathy by 1972 was totally inaccurate.
I take solace in the fact that I am not trail blazer in muddled corporate communications, but rather continuing the proud tradition of “WTF Messaging”.
Since I live in this delusional vacuum of solitude, I had always assumed the problems with corporate communications only started when I began cutting, pasting and repurposing the 14 famous buzzwords of IT marketing as a career.
You know the words I'm talking about; reliable, scalable, robust, flexible, integrated, ROI, Return on Investment, infrastructure, outsourcing, off-shoring, efficiency, profitability, challenges and wait for it…Thought Leadership!
Well, slap my mouth, call me Sally and make me pay for my own dinner, because I have recently discovered that corporate America has been bullshitting us for the better part of a half century.
Take a second to peruse this IBM Ad fron back in the 1950’s.
This ad states, “Electron Tubes – Fast, Versatile, Accurate”. It’s a fucking tube. The only way it is fast is if you hurl it at someone (preferably the writer of this horrid copy). Versatile - not unless this tube can facilitate computations while making me a ham sandwich or giving me a blow job. Accurate – hopefully the computation it helps move along the “Information Horse and Buggy Path” is accurate, but as for the tube it self being accurate I have to disagree. I heard this particular tube give a speech in 1954 and its prediction that we would be sharing information via telepathy by 1972 was totally inaccurate.
I take solace in the fact that I am not trail blazer in muddled corporate communications, but rather continuing the proud tradition of “WTF Messaging”.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Brother, Can You Spare a C-note?
You know, I was looking at some information today about the minimum wage in this country. Currently, the federal minimum wage is $5.15, and it was last raised back in 1998. For those of you who don't want to do the math, a person working fifty hours a week on minimum wage makes $13,390.00 annually.
At the time of the last increase, President Clinton allowed states to increase their minimum wages above the federal minimum wage. Since then, 14 states have done so.
This is a map showing the states that have increased their wage, those who haven't, etc. You can click on it to get a larger view.
Now here's the interesting bit. This is a map of red and blue states from the last election. Notice any patterns?
What amazes me is the fact that the Republican Party pretends to be the party of the faithful, yet the ones who seem to be trying to take care of their poor are by and large the blue states. I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Jesus' message wasn't "Look out for number one."
At the time of the last increase, President Clinton allowed states to increase their minimum wages above the federal minimum wage. Since then, 14 states have done so.
This is a map showing the states that have increased their wage, those who haven't, etc. You can click on it to get a larger view.
Now here's the interesting bit. This is a map of red and blue states from the last election. Notice any patterns?
What amazes me is the fact that the Republican Party pretends to be the party of the faithful, yet the ones who seem to be trying to take care of their poor are by and large the blue states. I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Jesus' message wasn't "Look out for number one."
Friday, June 16, 2006
Vader Haters
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Just Like Beggar's Canyon Back Home...
Found this and thought it was cool. I understand why it was cut, but it's still cool...
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
"Hi, I'm a Mac. I'm full of shit..."
You know, I've been seeing a lot of those "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" commercials. For those of you who haven't seen them, Justin Long (from "Dodgeball") is the personification of a Mac, and John Hodgman (The Daily Show's resident expert) plays a PC. In each ad, they have a little conversation about what each machine is capable of, and the Mac always seems to come out on top. They're cute, and a good marketing campaign for Mac.
Unfortunately, they're also bullshit.
Don't get me wrong. I use a Mac at work and OSX is a great operating system. Leaps and bounds beyond OS9. It's done for Macs what Windows 95 did for PCs (except it did it about a decade later.)
They're still graphically better than PCs (a blessing and a curse to us and graphic web designers). They also have one of the best video editing programs out there. They have a lot to toot their own horn about.
I have no problem with a good Windows bashing either. Lord knows there's enough to complain about. But if you're going to do it, just speak the facts.
Let's run through a couple of examples, shall we?
Restarting
In this ad, the PC freezes in the middle of their conversation and has to be restarted. Yes, it's true that PCs can lock up on you, but if they wish to suggest that this doesn't happen on Macs as well, then they are kidding themselves. All operating systems lock up, even their precious OSX. My freaking Mac locks up all the damn time.
Network
In this, Mac and PC are holding hands, forming a "network". They say that they both network well together and all seems right with the world. Then, a Japanese chick walks in and holds Mac's other hand. Mac says that she is the latest digital camera, and begins a conversation in Japanese. PC looks perplexed, and tries to communicate with her with a sad little "buongiorno." The message: Your digital camera will not work on a PC.
Again, bullshit. Camera manufacturers want to sell their cameras to as many people as humanly possible. Naturally, they'd want to make their cameras work seamlessly with as many computers as possible. So, they've designed them to interface seamlessly with a PC, since Windows is the most common OS.
Personally, I have never heard of anyone ever having a problem hooking a digital camera to a computer, with the possible exception of people who just have really old machines. On the other hand, I have had problems hooking one up to a Mac, largely because despite the fact they've been using USB interfaces for their keyboards since 1999, they still only gave my machine two freaking ports. One is taken up by my fucking keyboard; the other is being used by my fucking printer.
Thanks Mac.
Work Vs. Home
In this one, the Mac says he's into doing fun stuff like movies and podcasts. The PC says he's into fun stuff too, like spreadsheets and piecharts. First off, they make it sound like PCs can't play music or movies, or do any of the fun things a user outside of an office might appreciate. Bullshit. In fact, back in 2004 the European Union fined Microsoft 497 Euros for bundling Windows Media Player in with Windows, which was deemed as creating an unfair advantage to other media players, such as QuickTime. (Guess who makes that player!)
Here's my script for how it really should be:
MAC: Hi, I'm a Mac.
PC: And I'm a PC.
MAC: I like to do all kinds of fun things, like music, movies and podcasts.
PC: I like to do fun things too. You can get literally tens of thousands of video games by every major game producer. Everything from first person shooters, to MMO games, simulators, RPGs, sports games, you name it, we got it. (Looks at Mac)
MAC: Uh... We have Tetris...
While most of these ads range from slightly distorted versions of reality to outright lies, there are one or two that are true.
Touché
The first is "Touché." This begins with Mac saying "Hi I'm a Mac, followed by PC saying "Hi I'm a PC." Mac then says "I'm a PC too" and goes on to explain how now you can run Windows on a Mac, and now you never need any other computer.
This sounds all well and good. Personally, I doubt it's as seamless as they claim, but we'll go along for the sake of argument. To me, there's an alternate message here. I know they're trying to say that Macs have pretty much everything, but to me they're saying "No one makes decent software for Macs, and the problem is so bad that we had to go out and adapt our systems to run the competition's operating system. You know the one, it's the OS crashes all the time and there's nothing fun to do on it. But don't worry, we have it!"
Powerful message folks.
Viruses
This is my favorite stupid ad. "Viruses" features a very sick PC. He says he caught the latest virus, and to stay back. Mac says, no, he'll be okay. PC says, "No, don't be a hero. Last year there were 114,000 known viruses for PCs." Mac says, "Yeah, but that was for PCs..."
You get the point. This is, in fact, largely true. There are hundreds of thousands of Windows viruses out there, more than any other OS. Because Windows is the predominant OS out there, virus authors like to target PCs, because they want to infect as many computers as possible. (I think they also got it in their mind that they're sticking it to Bill Gates.)
Of course, there are also a shitload out there for Mac as well, plus several thousand that don't give a shit what OS you have.
Personally, I think this ad was a mistake for Apple. It's like they put a giant "Kick Me" sign on their own backs. Now, I'm not a hacker, nor am I a virus author. But I imagine that to them, this ad would look like an irresistable challenge. ("Oh, you don't have enough viruses, Apple? I can help you there!" (Maniacal laughter ensues, with much stroking of a black handlebar mustache.))
Not really the message that you want to put out there.
Unfortunately, they're also bullshit.
Don't get me wrong. I use a Mac at work and OSX is a great operating system. Leaps and bounds beyond OS9. It's done for Macs what Windows 95 did for PCs (except it did it about a decade later.)
They're still graphically better than PCs (a blessing and a curse to us and graphic web designers). They also have one of the best video editing programs out there. They have a lot to toot their own horn about.
I have no problem with a good Windows bashing either. Lord knows there's enough to complain about. But if you're going to do it, just speak the facts.
Let's run through a couple of examples, shall we?
Restarting
In this ad, the PC freezes in the middle of their conversation and has to be restarted. Yes, it's true that PCs can lock up on you, but if they wish to suggest that this doesn't happen on Macs as well, then they are kidding themselves. All operating systems lock up, even their precious OSX. My freaking Mac locks up all the damn time.
Network
In this, Mac and PC are holding hands, forming a "network". They say that they both network well together and all seems right with the world. Then, a Japanese chick walks in and holds Mac's other hand. Mac says that she is the latest digital camera, and begins a conversation in Japanese. PC looks perplexed, and tries to communicate with her with a sad little "buongiorno." The message: Your digital camera will not work on a PC.
Again, bullshit. Camera manufacturers want to sell their cameras to as many people as humanly possible. Naturally, they'd want to make their cameras work seamlessly with as many computers as possible. So, they've designed them to interface seamlessly with a PC, since Windows is the most common OS.
Personally, I have never heard of anyone ever having a problem hooking a digital camera to a computer, with the possible exception of people who just have really old machines. On the other hand, I have had problems hooking one up to a Mac, largely because despite the fact they've been using USB interfaces for their keyboards since 1999, they still only gave my machine two freaking ports. One is taken up by my fucking keyboard; the other is being used by my fucking printer.
Thanks Mac.
Work Vs. Home
In this one, the Mac says he's into doing fun stuff like movies and podcasts. The PC says he's into fun stuff too, like spreadsheets and piecharts. First off, they make it sound like PCs can't play music or movies, or do any of the fun things a user outside of an office might appreciate. Bullshit. In fact, back in 2004 the European Union fined Microsoft 497 Euros for bundling Windows Media Player in with Windows, which was deemed as creating an unfair advantage to other media players, such as QuickTime. (Guess who makes that player!)
Here's my script for how it really should be:
MAC: Hi, I'm a Mac.
PC: And I'm a PC.
MAC: I like to do all kinds of fun things, like music, movies and podcasts.
PC: I like to do fun things too. You can get literally tens of thousands of video games by every major game producer. Everything from first person shooters, to MMO games, simulators, RPGs, sports games, you name it, we got it. (Looks at Mac)
MAC: Uh... We have Tetris...
While most of these ads range from slightly distorted versions of reality to outright lies, there are one or two that are true.
Touché
The first is "Touché." This begins with Mac saying "Hi I'm a Mac, followed by PC saying "Hi I'm a PC." Mac then says "I'm a PC too" and goes on to explain how now you can run Windows on a Mac, and now you never need any other computer.
This sounds all well and good. Personally, I doubt it's as seamless as they claim, but we'll go along for the sake of argument. To me, there's an alternate message here. I know they're trying to say that Macs have pretty much everything, but to me they're saying "No one makes decent software for Macs, and the problem is so bad that we had to go out and adapt our systems to run the competition's operating system. You know the one, it's the OS crashes all the time and there's nothing fun to do on it. But don't worry, we have it!"
Powerful message folks.
Viruses
This is my favorite stupid ad. "Viruses" features a very sick PC. He says he caught the latest virus, and to stay back. Mac says, no, he'll be okay. PC says, "No, don't be a hero. Last year there were 114,000 known viruses for PCs." Mac says, "Yeah, but that was for PCs..."
You get the point. This is, in fact, largely true. There are hundreds of thousands of Windows viruses out there, more than any other OS. Because Windows is the predominant OS out there, virus authors like to target PCs, because they want to infect as many computers as possible. (I think they also got it in their mind that they're sticking it to Bill Gates.)
Of course, there are also a shitload out there for Mac as well, plus several thousand that don't give a shit what OS you have.
Personally, I think this ad was a mistake for Apple. It's like they put a giant "Kick Me" sign on their own backs. Now, I'm not a hacker, nor am I a virus author. But I imagine that to them, this ad would look like an irresistable challenge. ("Oh, you don't have enough viruses, Apple? I can help you there!" (Maniacal laughter ensues, with much stroking of a black handlebar mustache.))
Not really the message that you want to put out there.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Damn, that's cool.
A few things were brought to my attention this week that I thought were pretty damn cool, and were worth mentioning.
The first is a parking garage. That's right, a parking garage. In Germany, to be specific. Now I know what you're thinking, but this is no ordinary parking garage.
The caption I received to the photos said:
"The two photos below were taken at a new parking garage in Munich. The actual space that the facility occupies is approximately 20% of a comparable facility with the traditional design used in the US.
Not only is the German structure less expensive to build, but vehicles are also "retrieved" in less time and without the potential of being damaged by an attendant."
I never thought I'd live to see the day when parking lot attendants would be replaced by robots.
The second thing that I saw was this. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I want one. That's all I'm going to say on the subject.
The first is a parking garage. That's right, a parking garage. In Germany, to be specific. Now I know what you're thinking, but this is no ordinary parking garage.
The caption I received to the photos said:
"The two photos below were taken at a new parking garage in Munich. The actual space that the facility occupies is approximately 20% of a comparable facility with the traditional design used in the US.
Not only is the German structure less expensive to build, but vehicles are also "retrieved" in less time and without the potential of being damaged by an attendant."
I never thought I'd live to see the day when parking lot attendants would be replaced by robots.
The second thing that I saw was this. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I want one. That's all I'm going to say on the subject.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
The Fast and the Moronic
I just recently saw the trailer for the latest "Fast and the Furious" movie (yes, they made another); "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift." Personally, I think the movie's tagline can go on the list of the stupidest taglines of all time:
Huh? Is that supposed to make any sense whatsover? Okay, I get it. They're in Japan. They speak Japanese and the American characters speak English. But an auto race is still an auto race no matter where you go. How very clever.
It's still freaking retarded.
The stupidity is compounded by the fact that in Japan, just like the other 95% of the world, they use the metric system. So, in essence, for an American traveling in Japan, speed actually does need translation.
Incidentally, the onlynations on Earth who haven't officially adopted the metric system is the United States, Liberia and Myanmar.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Speed Needs No Translation
Speed Needs No Translation
Huh? Is that supposed to make any sense whatsover? Okay, I get it. They're in Japan. They speak Japanese and the American characters speak English. But an auto race is still an auto race no matter where you go. How very clever.
It's still freaking retarded.
The stupidity is compounded by the fact that in Japan, just like the other 95% of the world, they use the metric system. So, in essence, for an American traveling in Japan, speed actually does need translation.
Incidentally, the onlynations on Earth who haven't officially adopted the metric system is the United States, Liberia and Myanmar.
