Friday, September 30, 2005

 

Funny

I came across this and thought it was funny:

http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/50reasons.html

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

 

Random Stupidity

I was at a store last night looking for a cheap pair of pants for work. I won't mention the name, but I went to one of those off-price stores where they sell overstock and irregular clothes. Anyway, as I brought my new $15.00 set of carpenter pants up to the register, the clerk asked me my phone number. This is nothing new to me; stores have been doing this for years. I politely refused, and continued with the sale.

I was waiting for my debit card to process when I happened to look down at the counter. There was a small sign next to the register which had the words "Why Do We Ask For Your Phone Number?" written in large, friendly letters. *

This was followed by: "To keep you on or add you to our mailing list."

Excuse me? Your mailing list? I wasn't aware that my phone number was a vital part of the postal process. Tell me, does a P.O. box come equipped with a landline? Once I got over the fact that this was quite possibly the dumbest thing I have ever read, I continued:

"Your personal information will be in no way used for sales or marketing purposes." **

Yeah, right. Here's the deal, kids. Every time a store asks for your zip code, phone number or address, it's for marketing purposes. Every time you use one of those supermarket cards, or frequent buyer cards, it's used for marketing purposes. The reason the local supermarket discounts your groceries when you use your card is because they take that information and sell it. There are companies whose entire purpose is to catalog the consumer habits of people across the world. There are vast databases filled with information about how you spend your money and on what. They know what kind of toothpaste you use, what size pants you wear, and how often you go through prophylactics.

They, of course, turn around and sell the information right back to the manufacturers, who then use it to target their advertising and marketing strategies. "Crest Whitestrips aren't doing well in southeast Pennsylvania. Better buy up some more ad time and discount them for a week or so." And so on.

So, the local Safeway actually makes more money by discounting your groceries. Personally, I could give a shit who knows that I eat a lot of peanut butter and jelly, and that I use Dial hand soap. I just feel sorry for the poor slobs out there who will blindly accept the "We want to keep you on the mailing list" line.

*Thanks, Douglas, you hoopy frood.

**I don't remember the exact wording, so I am paraphrasing here.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

 

PLAGUE - Hits World of Warcraft

Recent news of a World of Warcraft plague has nerds everywhere cowering in fear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

 

A Horse Is A Horse, Of Course, Of Course

Last night, I was flipping through the channels and I happened across a show on the Discovery Channel. The show was opening us up to fascinating the world of champion racehorses. This isn't something that really interests me. Watching shows on horse racing is like watching fishing shows. Horses are beautiful animals, but unless you own one and can actually ride it, then there's not much point.

What grabbed my attention was the fact that I had stumbled onto the part of the show when they were showing us what happens when you put a horse out to stud. Let me describe how this works. Basically, when the horse is in the mood, they take him to a small room. This room has a metal dummy in it that is roughly the same size and height as a mare. The then proceed to wash the horse, and then bring him up to the dummy. The horse mounts the dummy and goes to town. They then take an "artificial vagina," which is really just a big tube with a hole in one end and a baggie on the other, and place it over the horse's penis. The horse ejaculates, and voila! You have several thousand dollars worth of horse spunk.

The idiot host of the show decided that he should be the one to do this. For his protection, they put a bike helmet on him. As if he didn't feel stupid enough washing a horse's erect member, he also had to do it wearing a yellow bike helmet that was so small it wouldn't fit a four-year-old.

None of this, however, was what caught my attention. Not the equestrian dong washing, the artificial vagina, or even the little yellow helmet. Even if that was what I was into, they have websites for that. No, what caught my attention was the fact that the Discovery Channel decided to blur the horse's penis.

That's right kids, in the same way they blur the half naked crack whores on Cops, they blurred the horse's wang. How fucking repressed does a society have to be when we can't even show the sex organs of another species? This was a friggin' documentary, not a skin flick. (Like I said, they have websites for that). Unbelievable. Guess what, mammals have penises and vaginas people. We don't lay eggs. We have sex.

And we're the only ones who seem to have a problem with that fact. Grow up. It's horses. You can show a fucking sea turtle squeezing out eggs in the sand, but you can't show a vet plucking a horse?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

 

Rules for Stand-Up Comics

I know I'm stealing from Bill Mahr by creating a set of "new rules," but there are some things that need to be said, and said in list form.

In the age of cable TV, we have been inundated with all kinds of entertainment. There was a time when our desire for stand-up comedy could only be satiated by a 2 minute performance on the Tonight Show. Now, we have a thousand comedians with a half hour each on Comedy Central and half a dozen other channels.

The problem is, because we see so much stand-up, we keep seeing the same themes over and over again. It's boring.

So, my new rule is this:

Comedians are no longer allowed to do stand-up acts about the following:

1) Sex. It's too easy. We have so many hang-ups, so many issues about sex that all you have to do is mention some little thing that you ex-girlfriend did once and you get a laugh.

2) The Differences Between Men and Women. Same thing, too easy. We know that men check out women's breasts. We've laughed at the insane rules women have about the dishwasher. Move on.

3) Children/ Parenthood. Bill Cosby Himself is not only a masterpiece of "clean" comedy, it's one of the greatest comedy concert films of all time. And the parts about the trials and tribulations of parenthood are hilarious. The only problem is, it came out in 1983. Unless you gave birth to the anti-christ or your children have telekinetic powers, we've heard it all before.

4) Marriage. See numbers 1-3. Erma Bombeck is dead, people.

5) The Differences Between White People and Black People. This is not because, as a cracker, I am offended when black comedians make fun of white people. I could care less. 500 years of oppression? Yeah, I'd say you're entitled to make a few jokes at our expense. It's not because I hold on to some sort of bullshit notion of political correctness either. My problem is that it's been done to death. When Richard Pryor did it 30 years ago, it was edgy. It was hip. Now, it's as played out as "Take my wife, please."

6) Divorce. See Marriage.

7) Work/ Bosses. Your job = comedian. We're not buying your insights into office politics or dating co-workers.

8) Getting older/ Middle Aged/ Midlife Crisis. We all get old. Men get bald, sprout hair in their ears, and get erectile dysfunction. Women go through menopause and gravity goes to work. We all get fat and start to forget things. Viagra ain't that funny anymore people.

9) Bill Clinton/ Dan Quayle/ Richard Nixon. Yawn. Yesterday's news. Might as well be making jokes about Herbert Hoover.

Don't get me wrong. I have a high regard for any kind of performer (Except, of course, for movie stars). Comedians in particular. Making people laugh is one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially on stage. Comedy is without doubt the hardest genre in entertainment and anyone who attempts it has more balls than I ever will.

That's why I hate to see really funny people waste their talents on tired material. Sure, the topics I mentioned will get laughs, but how much greater would it be if you got the same laughs by talking about Styrofoam, small business accounting practices, the Ice Age, or the Punic Wars?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

 

Is George Bush Scared of Jon Stewart?

Has anyone noticed that George Bush always makes televised speeches on a Thursday night? My latest crackpot theory is that he does this because he doesn't want to become Jon Stewart's bitch. The Daily Show doesn't have a Friday night show, and the Thursday show is done taping in the early afternoon or evening. (I'm not really sure what time.)

The logical conclusion is that George Bush is scared of Jon Stewart.

 

Rest in Peace, Robert Wise

Robert Wise died yesterday at the age of 91. To geeks like us, he will always be remembered as not only the director of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but also The Day the Earth Stood Still. He directed a whole slew of classic movies, like The Haunting, Run Silent, Run Deep, The Sound of Music, West Side Story and The Andromeda Strain. He also edited a film that is widely considered to be the greatest American film of all time, Citizen Kane. Rest in peace, you will be missed.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

 

The Family Outing

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Monday, September 12, 2005

 

RIP Network Television

OK this started in response to Spaulding's scathing indictment of the media and then started to take on a life of its own.
==============================================================
Every generation changes the rules, but ours is playing a special part in transforming media.

WE WANT YOU


That's what all the networks are saying to us the ever important 18-45 white, male demographic. We are leaving traditional television in droves.

And after owning digital cable for two weeks, I can see why we are collectively saying fuck you to 99% of network television. I was at about 95% when Fogle got me World of Warcraft for my Birthday. And at about 90% with DVD's

Reality TV must end. As we enter season 400 of survivor (Yes the show started in 1605. How do they calculate seasons anyway tehse days?)I am reminded why my faith in humanity has continued to dwindle with each passing year on this planet.

Who cares about these people. I will give shows like Survivor and Apprentice some credit, in that they actually force people to compete for a common goal. However, producers of shows like Simple Life and Filthy Rich Cattledrive deserve to have their lives ended in a death so awful it could only be concocted by Hitler, Napolean and Osama Bin Laden (for anyone who is counting Nostradamus still isn't that far off the mark) sharing a doobie and a case of 40's. How long will we continue to deify these twits that are so out of touch with any other facet of reality aside from their own bubble of spoiledocity (Screw you all - it's a word now).

Thanks for the Shitcoms


Joey blows - According to Jim blows Joey - Two and a Half Men is mildly amusing as long as you enjoy watching a spoiled fat kid be loved and cherished for being stupid and lazy. Sitcoms officially blow. So from here on out they will be called Shitcoms.

You know what digital cable has taught me though, Shitcoms always blew. Yes there are gems out there like the first few seasons of Friends and Arrested Development, but they are few and far between. Shows I used to love as a kid I now watch on On Demand and grimace.

Diff'rent Strokes - Blew (and if you watch the opening credits without any context you'll think Mr.D spends every Tuesday cruising the ghetto and picking out afro-american pre-teens to "ride" his limo)

Silver Spoons - You would think this was penned by Corky from "Life Goes On". Sir John Gielgould should have left well enough alone after Paperchase

Supertrain - Die

BJ and the Bear - Wow a monkey and a truck all in the same show. Check my nipples. Rock hard baby. This is exciting TV

I could go on but this list is hurting my mind. Shows have been bad fro a long time, but we watched them becasue there was nothing better on.

Start improving the quality and format of Shitcoms or forever lose us to HBO and Showtime original series. You're making progress with shows like "The Office" Mr. TV Executive but you have a long road ahead of you. And stop copying off the British. We won the war.

Friday, September 09, 2005

 

All The News That's Fit To Sensationalize

I've always hated the TV news, especially local news, which is bottom-of-the-barrel journalism, and the 24-hour news networks, because they're the fungus growing on the bottom of the barrel. This has always been a problem for me, because as a television soundman, these folks often pay my rent. I keep telling people that I'm fighting the system from within, but we all know that's bull.

Anyway, when Katrina began forming last month, the usual flock of idiots flew down to the South to show America how dangerous a hurricane was... by standing right in the middle of it. As if we didn't know. You could practically hear the drooling of news producers and reporters across the nation. Those sad bastards at the Weather Channel were practically orgasmic.

However, as Katrina made landfall, the coverage quickly began to change. The media realized right away that this was no regular storm. The coast was ravaged. New Orleans, which initially seemed to be spared the brunt of the storm, was underwater. And the news was there.

I have to say, I was actually very impressed overall. They were on the ground from day one. When it seemed like the government wasn’t doing their job, the news was on top of it. They found those poor stranded people in the Convention Center, long before Michael Chertoff or Michael Brown had any clue as to what was going on. They did what they have been failing to do for so long. Not only were they our eyes and ears, but also our watchdogs. They asked the tough questions and demanded answers.

I do have a couple of issues though. First of all, when people were trapped in the Superdome and Convention Center and the National Guard was nowhere to be seen, don’t show us helicopter shots of them. If you have a helicopter, you should be airlifting people out. If you can’t do that, then you should be airlifting food and water in. If, for some reason, you can’t do either, then land the chopper and donate your fuel.

Second, what’s with the report about the body bags? “Rescue Workers Have 25,000 Body Bags Ready” That’s one hell of a headline. The problem is, it’s not news. Was there a headline saying “Rescue Workers Have 50,000 Blankets Ready” or “Rescue Workers Have 150,000 Band-Aids Ready”? Of course not. This is just sensationalism, pure and simple. You’re doing good, folks. Let’s not drop the ball.

 

Can't He Do Anything Right?

In the wake of the hurricane, the massive destruction and loss of life, and the government's pathetic response, I have to ask the Bush supporters out there:

Is there anything George W. Bush has done right? Anything at all? Please, just name one thing.

"But Captain, Hurricane response and preparation is the responsibility of FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security. How is it the President's fault?"

There are four simple words that Harry Truman once said. "The buck stops here."

This administration is famous for passing the buck and getting away with it. When there's no one else to blame, they make the victim the bad guy. No weapons of mass destruction? Must be the CIA's fault. Torturing prisoners in Iraq? Well, the sergeant in charge was to blame. Karl Rove leaked a CIA agent's identity? Well, why was her husband in Africa anyway? He's got no credibility. (What the hell ever happened with that anyway? It just disappeared.) Cindy Sheehan wants to talk to him about her dead son? Well, she's a left wing wacko with ties to Michael Moore.

Mr. President, you are in charge. Everything even remotely tied to the executive branch is your responsibility and when things get screwed up, it's your fault. Be a man and take some responsibility.

They keep saying "Now is not the time to play the blame game." Spoken like someone who truly is to blame.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

 

Perfect Moments

Ever have one of those perfect moments? The ones where you think, "Damn, I wish I had a camera?"

It's about midnight and I just got back from the video store. After a late-night hankering for a movie, I left the store and walked out into the shopping center parking lot. The lot was deserted, save for my car in the front row, and a lone sedan sat alone in the middle of the vast lot. A few discarded shopping carts from a distant supermarket were scattered about.

As I left the store, I noticed that one of the shopping carts was moving down the slope of the lot. From what I could tell, it had just started moving on its own. There were no people, no other cars, no signs of life. It was almost as if Gravity had suddenly remembered it should be pulling the cart downhill.

As it coasted down its long path, I noticed that it seemed to be heading towards the lone sedan. I couldn't be sure, the angle I was tracking the thing wasn't that great.

Could it? No, not in this huge lot... Holy shit! I think it's gonna...

SLAM!

The cart careens right into the side of the sedan. In the pale glow of the single streetlight, I could see the fresh and enormous dent in the passenger door. It was glorious. It was like a ballet.

If only I had a camera.

 

Celine Demon

Well, our nation has been rocked by tragedy, and on hand for emergency photo ops were our legion of celebrities. Oprah, Celine Dion, Sean Penn, George W. Bush and scores of other mindless idiots have gone into the ravaged areas to make a difference (in their ratings).

I shouldn't be that hard on Sean Penn. At least he showed up with a boat and tried to help people escape from the flood waters. Sometimes these retards can actually do something that matters. I like what Russell Crowe had to say. He was sick of people like Bono constantly in your face about whatever pet issues they have and that they're only into it for the publicity. He said:

"I do my bit to improve the world but I think it's very important to get things done on the quiet. I'm sick to death of famous people standing up and using their celebrity to promote a cause. If I see a particular need, I do try to help. But there's a lot that can be achieved by putting a cheque in the right place and shutting up about it."


Rock on, Gladiator. Rock on.

Despite the fact that I'm unabashedly liberal, it's the liberal celebrities that I hate the most. They aren't helping, they're just bitching on national TV in a vain attempt to pretend that their existence makes a difference. At least the Republican celebrities actually do something. Think about all the celebrity politicians you can think of. They're all conservatives. Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sonny Bono, Fred Thompson, all Republicans. Put up or shut up, I say.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

 

Los Angeles 2019?

I was cleaning out my apartment yesterday and I happened across a book, "Cyberpunk: 2020." It was one of the many roleplaying game books that I bought in my youth but never got around to playing. Written in 1990, it allows us to live in the dystopian nightmare that was to come in the next 30 years.

Well, we're half way there, and I decided to see how we're doing. I flipped through the book, and had a few laughs. The book was clearly written at the beginning of the information age, and like all predictions of the future, it seems way off. 15 years down the road, and we are not much closer to cybernetic limbs or brain implants. We still aren't anywhere near flying cars. (C'mon, Detroit! Get the lead out!)

There were a couple of things that made me laugh out loud. There's a flying car built by McDonnell Douglas. Newspapers are delievered via fax to vending machines. There's still a Soviet Union. The section on cell phones was hilarious:

"The phone of the future is mobile and cordless, allowing the cyberpunk on the go to talk from his car, office, or even on the street. These 'cellular' phones operate by using a series of stationary transceivers which pick up your phone signal and relay it into the regular phone Net. Calls can be made from not only from within the city, but also long distance (with a Long Distance service of your choice) all over the world and even into orbit.

Cellular phones come in a variety of brands and styles, although most are about the size of a hand-held walkie-talkie. They operate on rechargeable batteries good for about twelve hours, recharging from a wall socket in 6 hours. Brand names include Magnavox, NEC, Okidata, GE and Radio Shack. Prices range from $400.00 for an inexpensive model, to $3,000.00 for a model with multiple lines, built in hold-buttons and memory autodial.

Like other phones, you must pay a monthly service charge. Baseline rates are $40.00 per month plus $0.20 per minute for local calls. Long distance varies- a call from Los Angeles to New York might cost $2.00 a minute during daylight business hours, $1.50 for evening hours. Cell phones also have a limit on how far they can operate outside the city limits; about 20 miles.


They managed to get one or two things right, however. They did predict high definition flat panel television. They talk about a single European currency, though they call it a "European dollar."

On the other hand, they say, "The Fax is the letter writing mode of the future. You may type your letter in using the keyboard, have it scanned from your own laser disk, or use the built-in scanner to 'read' any typed letter. The faxed copy is then transmitted by wire to the local post office in your destination area, where it is automatically typed off, inserted into an envelope, and delivered by letter carrier to the mailbox."

I suppose my point in all of this is simply this: Why do science fiction writers (and roleplaying game authors) insist on giving their fictional worlds in a specific time, one which is likely to be within their lifetime? Take Blade Runner for example. It takes place in 2019, which is only 38 years after the film was made. Yet, we have flying cars, off-world colonies, and genetically engineered robots, to say nothing of the fact that L.A. looks like Cybertron on crack. Ridley Scott will likely live to see 2019. He may be 82, but he'll probably be around. I'm betting that the future isn't anywhere near what he predicted.

I guess this all stems from the disappointment of 2001: A Space Odyssey. In the movie, you could take a Pan Am(!) flight to a space station or even the Moon. We were sending the first manned mission to Jupiter (Saturn in the book!). Now, it seems like the only thing it got right was the fact that we evolved from apes. In reality, 2001 was an awfully shitty year.

Admittedly, Stanley Kubrick sadly didn't live to see 2001, but Arthur C. Clarke did. (Boy, he must have been disappointed.)

I love the cyberpunk genre. I love the bleak, film-noir-ish future. A lot of it seems dated, however. It just seems to me that if you are going to create a fictional world set in the near future, don't put a specific date on it, especially if it's likely you may live to see that date, and look like an ass because you were way off.

That's why I always liked the Max Headroom show. It was always "20 minutes into the future," which made it seem like it wasn't quite on our plane of existence. While only 20 minutes ahead of us, we would never catch up it, and therefore in would never exist for us. It was a great idea.

I also like stories that take place off in the distant future. Take Dune, for example. The first book starts in the year 10,191. That's 8,000 years in the future. You can really go to town there because it's almost impossible to make any sort of an educated guess about the future that far ahead. 8,000 years ago, agriculture was just emerging in the Nile Valley. Just imagine what it will be like in another eight millennia.

Anyway, stop using dates in the near future, unless you like looking like a chump.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

 

Moral Decay In Video Games, Part II: Ride of the Idiots

This post is rated M — Mature: Contains content that may be suitable for persons ages 17 and older.

The article Fogelmatrix posted brings up a good point. Why is it that you can steal cars, shoot cops, murder hookers, deal drugs, shoot gang members, and that’s an M rating. But the second you get a blowjob, it’s Adults Only? Did I miss something? How is a hummer worse than all of that?

Here's a couple of tidbits I picked up on the hot coffee mod:

"In New York, a class action lawsuit has been filed by Florence Cohen, an 85-year old grandmother who purchased the game for her 14-year old grandson. Cohen's lawsuit claims that Rockstar Games and Take-Two Interactive, the publisher of the game, are guilty of deception, false advertising, fraud and abuse. The accusation of deception is based on the change from M-rated to AO, meaning according to the lawsuit that the original rating was a deceptive practice."

I don’t know anything about Florence Cohen. This old lady could be the nicest, sweetest grandmother in the world. Her house could be filled with cookies and milk. She could be kind to puppies and kitties. Her breath could have the sweet scent of cinnamon rolls. It’s just too bad she’s a fucking idiot.

Okay, first of all, the game is called GRAND THEFT AUTO. Use your freakin’ head lady! What the hell did you think it was about? Picking daisies in a field?

Secondly, they’re stating that the game should have been an AO rating, instead of an M. Did it escape anyone’s attention that the kid she bought it for was 14? Does it not say clearly on the box "M — Mature: Contains content that may be suitable for persons ages 17 and older?" The kid shouldn’t have been playing the game in the first place.

Here’s what happened. Grandma fucked up. She bought a game for her grandkid that she really shouldn’t have. There were all manner of warnings about the game’s content (including the game’s title). She didn’t pay attention, and now she wants someone to pay.

Well Grandma, it’s your fault. The ratings are there for you. There is no way they could have made it simpler, short of tatooing the ratings to your forehead. If you want to blame someone, look in the mirror. I am so tired of people not taking responsibility for the raising of their kids (or grandkids).

"U.S. senator Hillary Clinton has jumped into the fray by suggesting new regulations be put on video games sales. The ESRB is also conducting an investigation into whether the game's publisher lied about the game's content in an attempt to avoid the Adults Only 18+ rating. Also, Congress just passed a resolution to have the Federal Trade Commission investigate whether Rockstar intentionally undermined the ESRB by having the content in the game."

Hillary Clinton is really pissing me off with this. This is why I'm ashamed to be a Democrat. This is bullshit political swaggering. She's making a run for the White House and is trying to position herself as moral and separate herself from past scandals.

First of all, the ESRB ratings are not required by law. They aren't mandatory at all, just like the movie ratings. The ESRB is not a government organization. They set up the rating system as a way of self-regulation in order to keep the government out of their business.

Secondly, it’s subjective. All rating systems are. Ever see a movie and wonder why the hell this was only PG-13? Why the fuck to Democrats get all hot and bothered when it comes to civil liberties, but keep jumping on the censorship bandwagon. (I’m lookin’ at you, Tipper Gore.)

Aren’t there bigger issues that Hillary should be looking at? Isn’t there a war on or something?