Four Nerds

I know I'm stealing from Bill Mahr by creating a set of "new rules," but there are some things that need to be said, and said in list form.

In the age of cable TV, we have been inundated with all kinds of entertainment. There was a time when our desire for stand-up comedy could only be satiated by a 2 minute performance on the Tonight Show. Now, we have a thousand comedians with a half hour each on Comedy Central and half a dozen other channels.

The problem is, because we see so much stand-up, we keep seeing the same themes over and over again. It's boring.

So, my new rule is this:

Comedians are no longer allowed to do stand-up acts about the following:

1) Sex. It's too easy. We have so many hang-ups, so many issues about sex that all you have to do is mention some little thing that you ex-girlfriend did once and you get a laugh.

2) The Differences Between Men and Women. Same thing, too easy. We know that men check out women's breasts. We've laughed at the insane rules women have about the dishwasher. Move on.

3) Children/ Parenthood. Bill Cosby Himself is not only a masterpiece of "clean" comedy, it's one of the greatest comedy concert films of all time. And the parts about the trials and tribulations of parenthood are hilarious. The only problem is, it came out in 1983. Unless you gave birth to the anti-christ or your children have telekinetic powers, we've heard it all before.

4) Marriage. See numbers 1-3. Erma Bombeck is dead, people.

5) The Differences Between White People and Black People. This is not because, as a cracker, I am offended when black comedians make fun of white people. I could care less. 500 years of oppression? Yeah, I'd say you're entitled to make a few jokes at our expense. It's not because I hold on to some sort of bullshit notion of political correctness either. My problem is that it's been done to death. When Richard Pryor did it 30 years ago, it was edgy. It was hip. Now, it's as played out as "Take my wife, please."

6) Divorce. See Marriage.

7) Work/ Bosses. Your job = comedian. We're not buying your insights into office politics or dating co-workers.

8) Getting older/ Middle Aged/ Midlife Crisis. We all get old. Men get bald, sprout hair in their ears, and get erectile dysfunction. Women go through menopause and gravity goes to work. We all get fat and start to forget things. Viagra ain't that funny anymore people.

9) Bill Clinton/ Dan Quayle/ Richard Nixon. Yawn. Yesterday's news. Might as well be making jokes about Herbert Hoover.

Don't get me wrong. I have a high regard for any kind of performer (Except, of course, for movie stars). Comedians in particular. Making people laugh is one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially on stage. Comedy is without doubt the hardest genre in entertainment and anyone who attempts it has more balls than I ever will.

That's why I hate to see really funny people waste their talents on tired material. Sure, the topics I mentioned will get laughs, but how much greater would it be if you got the same laughs by talking about Styrofoam, small business accounting practices, the Ice Age, or the Punic Wars?