Four Nerds

Okay, here's the deal with Paris Hilton: *

She's probably the most worthless person in the world.

Here's how to deal with her:

Change the fucking channel.

Honestly, turn off VH1, stop watching E! (which I think stands for Excrement!), and for God's sake, pay no heed to the top half of the TV Guide channel.

If you've ever read anything I've ever written on the subject of celebrities, then you know that, for the most part, I think they are the most worthless, selfish, egomaniacal, self-centered and self-congratulatory people in the world and they have completely lost touch with what life is like for the other 6 billion of us.

Paris Hilton is the ultimate edition of that phenomenon with one exception. Most of the tabloid fodder out there got to where they are because they had a dream and some modicum of talent (even if it is the tiniest little bit).

Paris Hilton has neither. She had no dreams of fame and fortune because she was already rich. The money she had was not earned. It was bestowed upon her. She has enough wealth to make Solomon blush.** She has had every advantage in the world. What does she do with it? She whores herself on a “reality series” on national television.

If she truly had a dream to perform, she could have taken her vast resources and tried to become a true performer. Agents could have been hired, acting coaches and personal mentors could have been retained. She could have gotten into movies or on the stage. Hell, she could have produced her own movies.

But instead, she went for the lowest of the lowest common denominator. Perhaps it was just for fun. Perhaps it was because she was bored. But here’s the thing: She keeps on doing it. She keeps making home porn movies and bad music videos; she stays on the Stupid Life season after season, despite the fact that the two stars hate each other now. She keeps her face in the press as much as she can.

And I have a theory as to why. She is looking for purpose. This is a person whose entire life is without meaning. She is making a desperate and sad attempt to make her mark on the world but has no idea how to do it. Why else would she try to trademark the phrase “That’s Hot?” She was trying to say, “Hey world, this is my contribution!”

Unfortunately for this nitwit, it’s a phrase that is in common parlance. That’s like trying to copyright “Good morning” or “Merry Christmas.” Way to go Paris. You know, I think I'm gonna follow your lead and try to get a patent for air.

Paris Hilton has decided that the only way to make her existence count is by being famous. It doesn’t matter what you’re famous for, just so long as your face is on TV and the magazines in the checkout line at the supermarket. Instead of trying to find purpose and meaning through, oh, I don’t know, helping your fellow man by doing Great Works of philanthropy with that vast fucking fortune of hers, she blew her boyfriend while he videotaped it with a nightvision camera.

That’s hot.