Tuesday, January 31, 2006

 

The Great Global Boycott

OK. You gents are going to ream me in a fresh asshole for this one, but I am going to throw it against the wall regardless. After all, I've remained virtually unscathed thus far in the war of the words that rage between you two, it's time I enter the fray.


You're going to hate my point for two reasons.

  • The utter hypocrisy
  • The logistical lunacy

    The Only Way to Save Our Economy Is To Close Our Trade Borders


    Yes, I know ending the war would help our economy. Ha..ha...ha..hahahaha, shut up! OK, now for something possible. Closing our trade borders. You want people to buy American, stop importing shit from China. You want more jobs for college grads stop offshoring to India.

  • Thursday, January 26, 2006

     

    What's in a name?

    When is a planet not a planet? That's the question that astronomers are asking themselves this week. Last Friday, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology announced the discovery of a tenth planet in orbit around the sun. The planet, called 2003 UB313, is approximately 3 times the distance from the Earth as Pluto. It's also larger than Pluto, perhaps even up to twice as big.

    But not all scientists are convinced. The existence of the planet is not in dispute. Rather, the problem is that not every one in the scientific community has settled on what constitutes a planet.

    The debate has gone on for years. There is a group of frozen objects beyond Neptune called the Kuiper Belt. The detractors say that this new "planet" is simply a large Kuiper object. Many of these have also claimed that Pluto isn't a planet either.

    Some of the reasons include the size of the objects. Most Kuiper Belt objects are small, like the objects in the asteroid belt. Pluto, in fact, is smaller than the Moon.

    The other major reason is the orbital plane. Most of the solar system's planets circle the sun along the same plane, give or take a few degrees.
    Pluto's orbit is 17% off of the standard elliptical plane, which has prompted scientists to claim that it's not a true planet.

    You see, the planets were formed from the big swirling mass of gasses that formed the Sun. Like a big whirlpool is space. That's why most of the planets all orbit in roughly the same plane. Pluto's eccentric orbit suggests that it was captured by the Sun's gravity, and originated from either outside the solar system, or was a moon that escaped Neptune's gravity.

    2003 UB313, on the other hand, has an orbital plane that is a whopping 45% of the standard. That's the reason they just discovered it, because up until now, no one was looking for planets on that plane. So, scientists are now suggesting that, like Pluto, it shouldn't be counted as a planet.

    Well, as a geek, I am chiming in. I have a certain expertise after all, having watched Star Wars over 500 times. Here's the deal: Pluto has always been a planet. The whole world, except for a bunch of whiny astronomers, has accepted that. So, a planet it stays.

    Since it's the smallest planet, it's going to be the standard for what defines a planet. Since it's got a weird orbit, orbital arguments don't count. (It actually crosses Neptune's orbit sometimes, temporarily making it the eighth planet.) I don't care if the planet has a square orbit, it doesn't matter. Stop with the semantics, you anal retentive, nitpicking geeks.

    I'm writing all this because it's a stupid argument, and scientists are wasting time and energy on a semantic debate. I read a quote from one scientist who actually said "To just call them planets does an injustice to the big guys in the solar system." Are you kidding me? The planets are being slighted?

    Last time I checked, Uranus didn't give a shit. Jupiter couldn't be reached for comment.

    You're looking for order in outer freakin' space. Last time I checked, it's a pretty random place. We're gonna keep discovering new planets across the galaxy. And the more we learn about them, the less and less they'll fit into your narrow little vision.

    So, here are the new rules for planethood.

    1- It must orbit a star.
    2- It must be at least as big as Pluto.
    3- It cannot be man made. (Sorry, Death Star.)

    End of story.

    Monday, January 23, 2006

     

    Kids and Their Crazy Phrasiology

    Sorry for the sickeningly sweet Cosby like into to this post (what the hell happened to those specials that he used to do? When did kids stop being cute and no longer worthy of inane interviews from the Cos?)

    Anyway. my brother-in-law recently wrote this phrase in an e-mail: " So sleep easy, for you will be limping in style with your tainted-up wounded paw".

    Now because I'm a dick I wrote an unnecessarily long rely back to him. Fucker (and I say that most lovingly) dared me to put it on a website. Seeing as this is the only website within my realm of power that will allow me to say taint repeatedly through out the text without getting fired you get to read my reply:

    Uhmm how does one exactly taint-up a paw, or for that matter any body part? One would have to carefully remove the taint (and I don't even want to begin to contemplate the mess that was once your groinassal region) and then find a way to stretch the taint so it could cover the part of the body you want to "taint-up". Because honestly unless you stretch the taint all you have is a small sliver of skin. Except for that thing under the bridge you dated from New Jersey. She walked right in and said "I'm Whorecubus, bearer of grossly large taint".

    No taint-up and taint stretching technology is sweeping the nation. I heard MTV has "Taint my Ride" under development right now.

    Fuck Man - You are sick medieval taint stretcher
    Love
    Your Sister

    Monday, January 16, 2006

     

    She may not look like much...

    In my wanderings about the web, I happened across a site where someone recently posed the question "What is your favorite spaceship?" So, I pass the question on to you. I know, for a lot of us geeks and fanboys out there, the automatic response is usually something like the Millennium Falcon, but I want you to really think about it. We've watched a lot of spaceships over the years, to say nothing about the ones we've read about in books and comics. So which is it?

    The Heart of Gold?
    The Nostromo?
    That one in The Life of Brian?

    Stretch your brains, people.

    Tuesday, January 10, 2006

     

    WWII As an RTS Chat Session

    Click here for the funny

    Wednesday, January 04, 2006

     

    Favorite Scenes - The Sequel

    Sorry to hijack your post Spaulding but my reply was becoming a post of its own.

    Like most culturally void Americans, I consider any material authored prior to my birth immaterial. And I believe that movies are getting better as time progresses.

    If a movie opens in black and white and I can tell it's not Clerks, I immediately shut it off.

    I know - I suck

    So my list of greatest scenes, are probably square in-line with that of your average 15 year old.

    No particular order (or maybe they are as these are the ones that readily pop into my mind). A lot of these rely heavily on the music playing in the background. Oh yeah TV sneaks in as well. Sorry!
    =============================
    John Cusak holding the boom box under Ione Skye's window in Say Anything. The first movie I went to on a date.

    The entire montage of Freaks & Geeks when they are at the makeout party and Bob Seeger's "Accompany Me" plays. The wanton desire blanketed with pubescent fear really makes me think these kids weren't acting.

    The end of Return of the King when Vigo Mortison says "No one bows before you little bitches" and then everyone bows except for the two gay hobbits and their stoner pals. I cried - swear to God.

    Back to the Future - The whole dam movie - I saw this movie ten times in the theater when it opened. I was on summer vacation and I would use my allowance money to hop the train in Fanwood N.J. to the movie theater in Westfield. There is no comparison to the freedom a latch key kid has on summer vacation. 11 years old, no job, riding a train and basking the glory of a time traveling Delorean - sheer rapture indeed.

    Christopher Reeve crouched over the corpse of Margot Kidder in Superman after she drowned in the earthquake (I think – it looks like a tide of dirt kills her). The anguish on C. Reeve's face was some amazing acting. A great great actor. It's almost a shame he was so man-pretty because that was his only hindrance in breaking out of the leading man mold. I say it's a shame because leading man roles suck. The meat is in character acting.

    And just when you thought this list couldn’t sink further into the bowels of Americana.

    Spider-Man II when Mary Jane says “Go get em’ Tiger”

    I also have to agree with my esteemed colleague on “A Christmas Story”, adding to it the scene where Santa kicks Ralphie down the slide. That entire scene was a great slap in the face to the commercialization of Christmas.

    And I’m going to pick a Star Wars moment, also from Empire, but it isn’t the big reveal. My favorite was when Han Solo was frozen in carbonite and Leia says she loves him. Harrison Ford’s response of “I know” captured the soul of that character. I recently developed a whole new respect for that scene when I found out that the line was improvised by Ford.

    Tuesday, January 03, 2006

     

    Best scenes ever

    I came across someone's top 100 list of movie scenes today. It's not bad, but not complete. Here's the list. Anyway, my additions to the list are (in no particular order):

    - The Mount Rushmore scene North By Northwest(1959)
    - "Bond. James Bond." - Dr. No (1962)
    - The end of "M" (1931)
    - "The stuff dreams are made of..." Maltese Falcon (1941)
    - Bogie's manners speech in The Big Sleep (1946)
    - The "You know how to whistle" scene in To Have and Have Not (1944).
    - "I'm Spartacus" Spartacus (1960).
    - "You'll shoot your eye out kid." Santa in A Christmas Story (1983)
    - Robert Mitchum's good vs. evil speech in Night of the Hunter(1955).
    - The hotel room/bees scene in Rushmore (1998)
    - "Dowd. Elwood P." Harvey (1950) (or any scene with Josephine Hull)
    - "STELLA!" Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
    - "We rob banks." Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
    - "They call me MISTER TIBBS!" In the Heat of the Night (1967)
    - "These go to eleven." Spinal Tap
    - The Danny Boy scene in Miller's Crossing (1990)
    - The "I'll be there" speech in Grapes of Wrath (1940)
    - The chestburter scene in Alien (1979)
    - "I'm walking here!" Midnight Cowboy (1969)
    - The Little Tramp getting caught in the gears in Modern Times (1936)
    - The fight at the end of The Quiet Man (1952)
    - The birds in the playground in The Birds (1963)
    - "They're coming to get you, Barbara!" Night of the Living Dead (1968)
    - "Nobody's perfect"- Some Like It Hot (1959)
    - "You English think you're soooo superior"- A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
    - Any scene with Nick and Nora in The Thin Man (1934)
    - Hinkel bouncing the globe in The Great Dictator (1940)
    - The strange interludes scene, the "One morning I shot an elephant" scene and the "Hooray for Captain Spaulding" scene in Animal Crackers (1930)
    - The closet scene in Monkey Business (1931)
    - "No, I am your father!" Empire Strikes Back (1980)


    Any additions?